I might be the world's worst mingler. I was at a conference cocktail party-type thing about two weeks ago and was totally lost. I didn't know what the social norms were for approaching people, what I should talk about, or who it was ok to approach. My standard approach is to jokingly bring up professional wrestling (John Cena has been having a hell of a year), but that probably isn't a good approach in professional settings. I couldn't even begin to develop relationships with people, and in turn, build my network. In general, I am nervous about making a fool of myself.
The online world offers me an alternative way to build my network. I don't need to go up and approach someone at a party to network. I can shoot them an email or tweet at them on Twitter. On the surface, this seems like a fantastic solution to my problem. However, in practice, I have found that the online world is equally stressful place to network, but perhaps for different reasons. When I am online, I find that text can be misconstrued or taken in the wrong way. I also worry about bugging people, adding to their email or twitter backlog. And in most online context, my identity is clear, or easily determined. So I'm still in a position that I am afraid of developing a negative reputation for myself and appearing to be a fool.
So like most things, there is a give and take. The online realm offers plenty of new ways to meet with people from all over the world, but it comes with its own social hoops and intracies to navigate. The offline realm allows you to have more nuanced conversations (for better or worse), but this is not a great way to develop a diverse network.
Do other people have similar feelings? How do you navigate the social norms in various networking situations?
Thanks a lot for this post. I have always felt that way at any cocktail party in the U.S., but I thought it was some cultural difference since that type of parties is not usual in my country.
ReplyDeleteYou are right saying that specific and non-clear social norms (I would call them “social restrictions”) exist in both online and face-to-face settings, and it is a frustrating thing for anyone who is worried about behaving appropriately. My strategy is staying quiet, but welcoming any conversation; in other words, in both settings I never initiate contact, but show my appreciation to anyone who does. As my experience suggests, people prefer to hear themselves talking more than anything else, so “listeners” like me are often valued. It is a less-traditional way of building a network; still, it works.
I'm a special case as well. Some people love cocktail parties. I hate that environment. I find that ice breaker games are always better than cocktail parties. In any case, you are not alone there.
ReplyDeleteAnd that is an interesting way to approach networking. Do you ever fear that you miss opportunities by not approaching people? Or do you find that it works well enough? I guess I end up in that camp as well, but not intentionally. I try to figure out ways to approach, but end up standing back.
Oh, and you are dead on about people liking to hear themselves talk. I sometimes accidentally do it, and need to make more of an effort to listen. Listeners like you are appreciated.
Oh, cocktail parties are awkward. I do not enjoy them if I'm not among people I know well. I tend to stand off on the side, alone -- but then if someone talks to me, I worry about becoming a nervous chatterbox (it can happen, I start to feel the need to fill silences and will talk about stupid things). One of the things I like about being online is that people don't see you standing awkwardly nearby. I can choose whether or not to participate actively. I read a lot more online than I post/share. Often I compose responses and then don't submit them. I often don't want to get in the middle of big online conversations.
ReplyDeleteLet me encourage you to reach out to people online. Usually the worst that happens is they're overwhelmed and just overlook you or ignore you (although kindly). I think we don't reach out to each other enough. After having a conversation on Facebook with some other prof-friends about contacting authors whose work we like, I realized we really don't tell people how much we like their work unless we see them face-to-face. Since then, I've made an effort to try to contact a person a month to tell them that I read their article and enjoyed it (I only tell them this if it is truthful -- but I do try to remind myself to make those connections with others). I've only had positive responses. And I realized that I respond positively when I receive those messages. And sometimes I get them from people whose work I admire, which is super cool. :) Reciprocity!
Good to know I'm not the only one Vanessa! And thanks for the advice. Reaching out online is probably one of those things that we overthink a lot. It's not as complicated as we make it.
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